


The Dog Who Was a Prince

by AK-47 (sarapen)



Category: Avatar: Last Airbender
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon, Explicit Language, Humor, Other, Out of Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2010-10-05
Updated: 2011-06-25
Packaged: 2017-10-12 10:29:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/123918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarapen/pseuds/AK-47
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Zuko deserved to be banished? What if Ozai had a legitimate reason for despising him? And what if poor Iroh still had to stick with him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [It Never Happened](https://archiveofourown.org/works/110681) by [AK-47 (sarapen)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarapen/pseuds/AK-47). 



"But why do _I_ have to go to the council meeting?" whined Zuko to his Uncle Iroh. "It's boring and there aren't any hot chicks there."

"It's your duty as heir to concern yourself with matters of state," answered Iroh as he pushed his charge down the halls of the palace. "Someday you'll rule our country so you should begin preparing for your eventual reign."

Iroh realized that Zuko wasn't listening to him, but was instead eyeing the admittedly shapely behind of the maid scurrying down the hall in front of them. "Zuko, pay attention!"

"Huh? Uh, yeah, sounds good. Sounds _really_ good." Iroh noticed drool starting to leak out of Zuko's mouth. "Really, really good. Who's a good girl? Yeah honey, work that cute little – ow!"

Iroh drew his fingers back from Zuko's eyeballs. "Uncle, you blinded me! This is treason! How am I supposed to masturbate without visuals?"

" _That's_ what you're worried about?" asked Iroh. "And you'll be fine in a few minutes – now come on, the meeting will start soon." Being temporarily blind made Zuko easier to handle and Iroh wondered why he hadn't thought of poking Zuko in the eyes before. Maybe he could poke his nephew in the eyes whenever Zuko needed to do something important? No, that was a stupid idea, Zuko would probably just use his blindness as an excuse to grope women.

The guards outside the council room surreptitiously looked at each other in disbelief. Was that really the Crown Prince coming to join the meeting? He'd probably pull his pants down and start jerking off in the middle of everyone. They crossed their spears in front of the door, denying entry to Prince Zuko, but they reluctantly let him enter when General Iroh (the freaking _Dragon of the West!_ ) glared at them in annoyance.

Iroh firmly maneuvered his nephew through the door and into a seat at the council table. He made sure it was out of the way. "Remember, Prince Zuko, only listen and do not speak out of turn. In fact, don't speak at all."

"Can do!" said Zuko enthusiastically. Already his eyes were starting to glaze over and Iroh was pretty sure that Zuko was in the opening stages of yet another sexual fantasy. Iroh tried not to sigh as he slapped his nephew on the back of the head. The meeting hadn't even started yet. "Nephew, pay attention!" ordered Iroh. Zuko grumbled to himself but stopped picturing a mile-long daisy chain or whatever it was he'd been fantasizing about.

Presently, the meeting came to order and the assembled generals and ministers began to give reports on the state of the war in the Earth Kingdom. Strangely enough, Zuko appeared to be paying close attention to the conversation. In fact, he looked like he desperately wanted to ask something but was holding himself back out of a sense of propriety.

Iroh wasn't the only one who had noticed Zuko's uncharacteristic attentiveness. No less than Zuko's own father, the Fire Lord Ozai, turned to Zuko and asked him for his opinion. "Prince Zuko, perhaps you would share your thoughts with the council?" Iroh held his breath and waited for Zuko's reply. Would his nephew finally reveal his inner depths, would he finally show the world that Iroh's painstaking tutelage had come to something? Perhaps Iroh was imagining it, but he thought he saw a faint flicker of hope on Ozai's face as well.

"My lord, a question of some import weighs upon me," said Zuko. Okay, this was starting out pretty good. Zuko turned to one of the council members and regarded him gravely. "Governor Tai, you have ruled your province in the Earth Kingdom for nearly thirty years." The governor acknowledged this fact with a nod. "Then among us here, you have the greatest experience with people from the Earth Kingdom?" Again, the governor nodded his assent. "Then tell us this, Governor: do Earth Kingdom girls swallow or spit?"

 _Ah, fuck,_ thought Iroh. The silence in the room was deafening. Iroh couldn't be sure, but this was almost certainly the first time in Fire Nation history that someone had asked about oral sex during a council meeting. And because all council meetings were transcribed by law, this particular incident was definitely going into the history books. The Fire Sages would put up too much of a fuss otherwise.

"You miserable little shit!" shouted the Fire Lord as he leapt over the table and grabbed his son by the lapels. Iroh could see his brother's face rapidly turning red. He'd seen Ozai angry before, but now the Fire Lord looked like he was literally shitting bricks – sideways.

"Thirteen years!" shouted the Fire Lord. "Thirteen years I've put up with you! Your grandfather killed himself when he realized his family had produced you. Your mother entered a convent to get out of raising you. How? How could you be my son?" Ozai broke down and wept tears of bitter shame. The assembled council members averted their eyes and pretended that a grown man wasn't sobbing hysterically in front of them.

Suddenly Ozai stiffened and looked down. The rest of the council followed his gaze to see Zuko's erection poking at his father's leg. Had he been like that during the entire meeting?

"Look, pop, I'm a teenager, it's an involuntary — eeaarrgh!" screamed Zuko as his father melted half his face off.

"I'll burn the pervert out of you!" screamed Ozai as he firebended at his son. He stopped firebending only when Iroh and the other council members pulled him away. He did, however, keep screaming as he was firmly led back to his chambers.

"Oww," moaned Zuko from the floor.

* * *

Wow, having half your face burned off really sucked. It really, really sucked. How could he hook up with any chicks when the left part of his face looked like fried bacon? And oh yeah, it really hurt too.

"Hello, Prince Zuko," said Uncle Iroh from the door to Zuko's room. He regarded Zuko for a moment before entering. He gazed with sympathy at the sight of Zuko lying injured in bed. "I'm sorry I couldn't stop your father sooner." Iroh's face grew grim. "Your behavior was inappropriate, but that does not excuse your father's actions. What he did dishonoured the council itself. Blood has never been spilled in the council room, certainly not Fire Nation blood and definitely not that of the Crown Prince – and at the hands of his own father!"

Huh, he hadn't realized that had been such a big deal. His confusion must have shown on his face since Uncle Iroh continued to elaborate. "The Fire Lord is not a slave owner and his subjects are not his property. The Fire Lord controls, the Fire Lord even dominates but he does not whip his subjects into submission. That is barbarism, that is not right conduct! Remember what the Sage of the Sakkyas said to his students . . ."

Oh great, his uncle was lecturing again. Good thing Zuko had gotten better at tuning him out. Bla bla bla, something about a path. For his own amusement, Zuko decided to pretend that whenever his uncle said "honour" he actually meant "penis."

"By his actions, your father has shown that he has lost his penis," said Uncle Iroh. "No, he never had a penis in the first place." Zuko tried not to giggle. It would just hurt his face. "Your very banishment shows that your father does not understand what a penis is at all. How can one 'lose' one's penis and how can finding the Avatar give you back that same penis? Either you have a penis or you don't. The rest is stupidity."

Zuko desperately stifled his mirth when he realized what his uncle had said. "Wait, what was that?" asked Zuko. "I'm supposed to regain my penis – I mean, my honour?"

Iroh gave him an odd look. "Uh, yes to the second question. Oh, right, sorry, I skipped over that part. Your father has banished you from the Fire Nation and has charged you with the task of finding and capturing the Avatar, never mind the fact he's been missing for a hundred years. Only then will he rescind your exile. He has granted you a ship – a very small ship – and a crew as well as allowing you to keep accessing your royal income. How my brother expects you to capture the most powerful bender in the world –"

Zuko sensed another rant about responsibility coming on and quickly headed it off. "So I don't have to worry about council meetings and royal conduct and whatnot anymore and I can just travel around in my boat cruising for muff?"

"Well, err, I wouldn't put it like that," said Uncle Iroh.

 _Hot damn,_ thought Zuko. _If I'd known this was going to happen, I'd have rubbed my dick all over my dad years ago._


	2. Chapter 2

 “Onwards, men! Naked Water Tribe girls are dripping wet for your cocks!”

Zuko’s crew heartened at his shout and frantically threw themselves into their work. If mere eagerness was enough to impart speed, then the ship would have flown through the air on the strength of the crew’s enthusiasm.

“Keep at it! Remember, all their men are away at war. An entire village of sexually frustrated women! Their hungry cunts are aching for your meat sticks! Either that or they’ve turned to lesbianism – the kind where they’ll have sex with you. It’s win-win!”

The crew shouted in joy, though they sounded a bit worn down. Zuko’s voice was also starting to get ragged. He’d been screaming sexually explicit encouragement at his sailors all day and he looked like he was about to collapse. No, wait, he’d actually collapsed.

Iroh sighed and took another swig of his whiskey, then realized he’d already finished the bottle. Worse, it was the third one that day. When had he become such an alcoholic? Oh, right, when he’d joined his nephew to ‘hunt’ the Avatar. Most of the hunting involved looking for ‘hot and nasty hos’ and when that panned out, asking around for places where more of these ‘hos’ could be found. Looking for hos was apparently like looking for the greenest field of grass – there was always a hotter and nastier ho somewhere else.

They were currently speeding toward the South Pole because Zuko had been assured by the dockworkers he’d met at the last port that Water Tribe girls were all incredibly hot, otherwise how would they survive in a frozen wasteland? They must be keeping warm somehow.

Iroh looked out at the icebergs in the distance. Well, this trip wasn’t so bad. When it came to finding the Avatar, one place was pretty much as good as another. Iroh still looked for information about the Avatar at every place they went to, but it was starting to get discouraging. Maybe the Air Nomad Avatar had already died and the new reincarnation had already been born into the Water Tribe?

No, that was stupid. Yes, the Avatar could already have been reborn into the Water Tribe, but Iroh didn’t really think so. Any Water Tribe Avatar would have quickly joined the war. They weren’t pacifists like the Air Nomads.

Iroh was just trying to pretend his nephew was taking his duty seriously instead of only trying to get into the pants of as many girls as possible. Strangely enough, that number was still currently zero. Or perhaps not so strangely, since girls could smell a desperate loser from a mile away and Zuko was definitely one. Zuko was actually pretty good at getting his men hooked up, which was why they were all fiercely loyal to him, but it was all from the inadvertent effects of his own clumsy schemes. After striking out once again, Zuko would declare a place to be ‘full of frigid lesbos’ and demand they move on to the next destination. His men all thought Zuko was joking, but Iroh knew if Zuko ever got together with a girl he’d shout the details from the crow’s nest at the entire crew or maybe even act it out on deck.

Good holy crap, what was he doing thinking about his nephew’s sex life? For the hundredth time, Iroh swore to himself that he’d give up drinking. Then he looked at his nephew passed out on deck and for the hundredth time broke his promise as he grabbed a fresh bottle of sweet numbness.

Oh good, Zuko was starting to wake up. Guess he wasn’t that tired. His nephew groaned then groggily got up from the deck. “Hey Uncle, what’s that light in the distance?”

“What light?” asked Iroh. Oops, he’d thought that was a hallucination from being so incredibly loaded. “Zuko, strange and powerful lights are a sign of the Avatar! We might be on the right trail finally, after all these years!”

“No, never mind, it’s just a signal fire from that derelict ship in the ice,” said Zuko. “See, those two people running away must have triggered it when they were rooting around in there.” Suddenly he stiffened and whipped out his spyglass. “Mother of crap, it’s a chick! Stupid bulky parkas, I’ll bet she’s hiding giant melons under those clothes.”

“Are you sure, Prince Zuko?” asked Iroh as he looked through his own spyglass. “They’re quite far away, I can barely make them out.”

“Uncle, who do you think you’re talking to? I can smell poon at a thousand paces, I can spot it at even further. Ooh, the other one’s not bad either.”

“The one in orange? Are you sure that’s a girl?”

“That or it’s a boy with a tight ass. Either way, me likey. Err,I mean I can admire something even if I don’t touch it, right? Looking isn’t gay. Well, maybe it doesn’t count if it’s a really feminine boy.”

As Zuko mulled over his bi-curiosity, Iroh took a closer look at the figure in orange. No, it wasn’t just orange, it was _saffron_. The same colour as what the Air Nomads had worn. “Zuko, I think the orange one is the Avatar. At the very least, it’s likely that person is an Airbender.”

“An Airbender, eh? No one’s had sex with one for a hundred years.”

“.  . . Yeah. Anyway, we know what to expect now.”

“Good crap, you’re right! I almost forgot, there’s a village of horny women out there. Prepare the equipment, men!”

The crew cheered and brought up the casks of liquor and the musical instruments.

“All hands to party stations!”

* * *

“Come on, come on, lower the damn gangplank,” muttered Zuko to himself while he quivered in anticipation. The men behind him also looked raring to go, they were dressed in the fanciest clothes they had, what with needing to make a good first impression.

The ramp lowered slowly and then fell forward with a thump. Zuko paused at the threshold while his eyes adjusted to the outside. As he carefully stepped down, a painted maniac charged at him screaming. “Awesome, looks like someone knows how to get it down!” announced Zuko cheerfully as he shoved a bottle into the guy’s face and poured the liquor down his throat.

“People of the South Pole!” shouted Zuko with his arm around the shoulders of his new best friend. “We have come here from the Fire Nation for one purpose – to par-tay!” The villagers merely stared at him in apprehension. Well, they’d warm up to him and his crew. First, Zuko would invite a girl to dance, then his crew would break out their instruments (and the rum), then that would break the ice and other people would join in. It was fool-proof.

Zuko looked around for an appropriate dance partner, but all the old women in front were hiding them. Probably wanted to protect their daughters or something. “Hey dude, where are the chicks?” he asked his Water Tribe companion.

“What shicks?” slurred the painted boy. “They’re all old ladiesh here, tha youngesht iz like thirty. No wait, the youngest ish like four, but she doesn’t count as a chick. Whoa, I feel kind of funny. Am I drunk?”

Zuko stared crazily around him. Old lady, old lady, little kid, old lady. Could it really be possible? Had he led his men to a land with no chicks? He screamed in mortal terror. Zuko ran through the village desperately searching for even just one girl. It was no use, there weren’t any at all. He fell to his knees and screamed even louder.

“Are you all right?” asked a voice from behind him.

“Aaaaaaa – huh?” That voice had sounded young, but not too young. Could it be? He turned around slowly, hoping he’d heard right. Yes, it was the girl he’d seen earlier! How could he have forgotten her?

“Umm, you were starting to freak me out with all the shrieking. Are you hurt or something?”asked the most perfect girl in the world. Wait, no she wasn’t, her melons were more like apples. Well, he wasn’t prejudiced, he was open to women with all sizes of tits. The rest of her wasn’t so bad; she was definitely lithe and slim, though he’d need to see her without her parka to be certain. Hmm, how was he going to get her to take off her coat?

“Hello? You’ve been staring at me for like five minutes, I think you must have hit your head when you were running around.”

“Huh? No, I’m fine, I’m fine, just, uhh . . .” Desperately he looked around for a suitable topic of conversation. It was then that he noticed the full-blown party that was taking place around him. Casks of rum were open and people were dancing and laughing as musicians from both the ship and the village added their music into the noise. “When did this happen?”

“The party? It started when you were running around. I think everyone just thought you were partying hard until you started rolling in the ground and wailing like you were being murdered.”

Zuko took a moment to collect himself. “So what’s your name?” he asked smoothly.

It was at that point that the painted boy joined them. “Hey dude, awesome party!”

“Hey, I thought you said there weren’t any chicks here? What about her?” asked Zuko, pointing at the girl in front of him.

“That’s just my sister Katara, she doesn’t count, she’s more like a boy with the wrong bits.”

“Shut up, Sokka!” she cried as she shoved him onto the ground.

“Katara, eh?” said Zuko as he stepped over the boy lying on the ice and moaning in pain in front of him. “I’m Zuko. _Prince_ Zuko.”

“Oh! It’s nice to meet you. I’ve never met a prince before. Are you really from the Fire Nation? I mean, it’s hard to believe since you and your crew are so nice and all.”

“Well, I was banished because I spoke out against the war. I stood up in the council meeting and told everyone I couldn’t support something as horrible as war.”

“And you were exiled because you tried to do the right thing? Oh, how brave of you.” Katara looked up at him with eyes shining with admiration.

“Wow, a Fire Nation prince!” A new voice was coming from between Zuko and Katara. “ I’ve been there but I’ve never met royalty. This is so cool!” The speaker seemed to be a weird boy with an arrow tattoo on his shaved scalp.

“Yeah, it’s a great spot,” said Zuko as he pulled out his favourite book of erotic prints. What was with all the interruptions? “Here, enjoy.” That ought to distract the kid.

“Thanks?” said the boy uncertainly. Then he opened the book and gasped in shock at the pornographic illustrations. “What is it, Aang?” asked the Water Tribe boy as he got up slowly and looked over the younger boy’s shoulder. “Whoa, lemme see!”

“No, he gave the book to me!” “Shut up, you’re a guest so that means you have to do what I say!” The two boys started punching each other in the stomach as they fought over Zuko’s porn. Sokka was blasted away when Aang let loose a fierce gust from his mouth.

“Huh, an Airbender,” said Zuko in disinterest. Time to get back to the project of getting Katara to take off her parka. Well, he had to set her at ease first. “Anyway, what’s it like down here at the South Pole?”

“Kind of boring until my brother and I found the Avatar. Oops, I guess I shouldn’t have said that. But you’re nice, right? You won’t do anything bad to Aang?” She was being kind of trusting, actually. He looked closer and noticed the rosy hue to her cheeks. Had she gotten into the rum?

“Totally, I don’t care about that.” Hadn’t he heard something about the Avatar? It felt like he was forgetting something important. Whatever, all this thinking wasn’t getting Katara to take off her clothes.

“Anyway, Aang has to master waterbending and so do I. I’m a waterbender, by the way, but there aren’t any others here at the South Pole. So I’m hoping to join him when he leaves to go study at the Northern Water Tribe.”

Idea! He had an idea! “Well, why don’t you two join me on my ship? I’ll be glad to give you a ride to the North Pole.”

“Really? That’s so nice of you. Can my brother come? He’ll just cry and whine if he doesn’t go.”

“Sure, I guess.”

“Yay!” squealed Katara as she hopped up and down in excitement. Zuko wanted to squeal and join her but he was almost certain that would turn her off. He tried not to drool as he imagined all the potential scenarios that could spring up between the two of them on his ship. This was going to be the best road trip ever.


	3. Chapter 3

“Fuck.”

Wow, who was the potty mouth who was cursing so early in the morning? Katara lifted her head and looked around the room where she’d woken up. She was apparently lying in a hammock attached to the walls of a room made entirely out of metal. There were miscellaneous bags of something lying on the floor (dimly, Katara remembered that the floor on a ship was called the deck). Some of those bags looked familiar, and it took Katara a moment to realize that they belonged to her and Sokka. Was Sokka here too?

Oh, there he was sleeping in the hammock on the other side of the room. From the loud snores he was emitting, he hadn’t been the one who had greeted the new day with a hearty f-word. “Fuck me.” See, there it was again. It was coming from someplace really close by, too. So close that she could have sworn it was coming from her own mouth. “Merciful spirits, please fuck me dead.” Oh wait, it _was_ coming from her own mouth.

“Did someone say ‘please fuck me’?” With those words, a teenage boy cheerily walked through the door. Katara stared bleary-eyed at him before she remembered who he was.

“Go ‘way, Zuko,” croaked Katara. “Iz too early inna mornin’ for you to be so loud. Wait, make evathin’ stop spinning before ya go.”

“What do you mean ‘early’?” asked Zuko. “It’s almost mid-afternoon, you’ve been sleeping for half the day.”

“Ah, fuck.” Oops, she should really stop dropping f-bombs so much.

“How’s the hangover?” asked Zuko.

“What hangover? I’m still drunk.”

“Yeah, that was some party, huh? Oh, sorry about sticking you and your brother in the same room. I know girls like their privacy but your brother was shouting about protecting your virtue last night before he started vomiting on everyone around him. We put you two together just to shut him up, but we can try putting him up with your Airbender friend later. Come down to the mess hall when you’re up to it, it’s just down the hall to the right, you can’t miss it. Cook’s got his special hangover soup that he’s been simmering all day.”

Aargh, that was too much talking. Katara laid back and covered her eyes with her arm before she realized Zuko had finished whatever he was saying. “Gruh,” said Katara in acknowledgement.

Zuko turned around to walk away before he stopped and remembered something. “Oh yeah, the women’s bathroom is to the left. You’re the only girl here so there won’t even be any line-ups for when you need to pee or if you need to, like, take a massive dump. Anyway, later!”

“Frung,” she said to the door closing after him.

* * *

Aang promised himself that he would never, ever, touch alcohol again. It was obvious from the bleary looks on their faces that some of the other people in the mess hall were making similar promises to themselves. No wonder the monks had warned novices about wine and spirits, the stuff was obviously a punishment for human licentiousness from the powers that be.  Shakily, he lifted his bowl of soup to his lips. He really hoped he’d be able to keep this stuff down.

“Good morning, Aang!” said Zuko as he plopped himself down on the seat across from Aang.

“Muuh,” said Aang in response.

“I just saw Sokka and Katara, they’re still in bed but they’ll probably be coming here soon. I know how I felt on my first bender, but how are you doing?”

“Better,” croaked Aang. “This soup really works.”

“Yeah, who would have guessed snake bile and ground-up bear liver would work so well for hangovers? The secret is to beat the bear to death with sticks as painfully as possible, the fear makes their liver extra spicy.”

Aang briefly felt offended at inadvertently breaking his vow of vegetarianism but he set that aside since he was really too messed up to care. He was kind of disturbed about the animal cruelty thing, though.

Evidently, Zuko recognized Aang’s feelings since he hurried to reassure the monk. “Don’t worry, the liver doesn’t actually come from bears, that’s just a marketing strategy. It comes from hobos instead!”

Aang carefully set his bowl of soup down and drank as much water as he could from the pitcher on the table.

“What?” asked Zuko. “The liver is one of the few organs that regenerate. It grows right back, those hobos make a pretty good living selling their body parts.”

“Please stop talking,” begged Aang. “My stomach’s practically empty and throwing up would be kind of unpleasant.”

Zuko shrugged and left to get some actual food from the kitchen. He came back with a tray holding a bowl of rice and some kind of teriyaki fish thing. Aang blearily watched the prince eat his late lunch before something occurred to the monk.

“This ship is moving, right? Why are we already leaving the Southern Water Tribe?”

Zuko paused in his eating to squirm in his seat and look uncomfortable. “Uh, some idiot got loaded last night and crashed the ship through their outer wall, so the Water Tribe was kind of ticked off. I paid for it and everything but I thought it would be better not to hang around. I’ll punish the scapegoat as soon as I can find someone to pin it on. Err, I mean, as soon as I find the idiot responsible.”

That fish was smelling pretty good. Aang wondered if he could bend his vegetarian vows just a little bit. Fish barely counted as meat, they were ugly and stared accusingly at you like they knew how often you masturbated, so maybe it was okay to eat one as a one-time thing. Then something occurred to Aang.

“So if we’re leaving the South Pole, where are we going, then?”

“Just kind of north,” said Zuko vaguely. “Maybe we’ll resupply at one of the southern ports. Why do you ask?”

“If we could, could we maybe stop by the Southern Air Temple?”

“Yeah, sure,” agreed Zuko, but then the prince apparently realized something as he immediately began backtracking. “I mean, no, it’s completely out of our way. There’s this really awesome strip club I heard about to the northeast, I think I can sneak you in even if you’re underage.”

Aang gave Zuko a sad smile as he listened to his new friend babble weird promises about cherries and swimming in some lake called Poontang. “It’s all right, Zuko, Sokka and Katara told me about what happened to the Air Nomads. It’s just that I grew up in the Southern Air Temple and I’d really like to see it for myself again.”

“Right, I just wanted to spare you the pain of seeing the temple,” agreed Zuko. Then he hunched over and pretended to be absorbed in eating his food.

“So can we go to the temple, then?” asked Aang.

Zuko began squirming in his seat again before he sighed softly and began staring at his half-empty bowl. “Okay,” he mumbled eventually with his mouth full of rice.

“Thanks, Zuko,” said Aang in appreciation.

* * *

As Iroh stumbled into the sunlight, he saw his nephew chatting on the deck with a group of other youngsters. He stared at the new people as he tried to remember what had happened last night. Who were these kids again? “Crewman,” said Iroh to a crewmember who was swabbing the deck, “did we pick up passengers in, uh . . .”

“The South Pole, sir,” said the sailor, who was familiar with Iroh’s alcoholic blackouts. “We were there two days ago. And yes, Prince Zuko offered to take the Avatar and his friends to the Northern Water Tribe so that the Avatar could learn waterbending.”

“The Avatar!” exclaimed Iroh. Of course, how could he have forgotten? They’d found the Avatar at last, so they could finally go home, hand over the Airbender, get Zuko reinstated as Crown Prince, build him up into a worthy leader, and have him take over as Fire Lord, and then afterward Iroh could retire to the Earth Kingdom and never, ever, see Zuko again. No, wait, maybe Iroh was celebrating prematurely.

Well, he might as well step forward and introduce himself to the monk. “Avat—“ began Iroh before the ship gave a sudden lurch, causing his stomach to leap into his throat. Quickly he ran to the ship railing to vomit over the side.

“Hi, sir!” said the Airbender as Iroh puked into the ocean. “You’re Zuko’s uncle, right? He said it was his mission to find me, which he did. Isn’t that really lucky?”

“Bleeargh,” replied Iroh. Sweet spirits, how could he be vomiting this much when there was nothing inside his stomach?

“Anyway,” said Aang obliviously, “Zuko said he didn’t really care about taking me back to the Fire Nation, so I could stay on this ship for as long as I want. I guess we can talk more when you’re not feeling sick. I can introduce you to Appa, too, he’s down in the hold right now sleeping. Have a great day! Oh, don’t try the hangover soup.”

Iroh was feeling too miserable to answer.

* * *

“So then I said, ‘You think you can steal my money from me? Well, you’re absolutely right!’ Then I threw all my cash at him and ran the other way.”

Katara giggled at Zuko, who was mystified at why she thought he was joking.

Aang watched Katara laughing with a weird feeling in his stomach.  He turned to Sokka, who was fiddling with an extra-long fishing line hanging over the side of the ship. “Sokka,” he said to the older boy, “are you really okay with Katara being so close with Zuko? I mean, he's a nice guy and all, but didn't you say the Fire Nation were all bad guys?”

“I thought you were all buddy-buddy with the Fire Nation,” said Sokka absent-mindedly as he watched the sea in anticipation. “Didn't you say you were in a total bromance with this one guy back in the day?”

“That's not what I said, you make it sound like I had a crush on him! I said I was best friends forever with Kuzon!”

“Bromance, friendship, you were totally into him and junk. You had a Fire Nation friend back then and you have a Fire Nation friend now.”

“Yeah, okay, but that was a hundred years ago and things change and, uh, stuff.” Aang knew as he was talking that his excuse was exactly as pathetic as it sounded like. Sokka regarded him suspiciously before answering.

“Riiight. Well, you know what doesn't change? How awesome meat tastes! They've got meat here that I've never even heard of before!”

“What does that have to do with Katara's relationship with Zuko?”

“It's got everything to do with it!” said Sokka cheerfully.

Aang stared at Sokka in confusion before he caught on to Sokka's meaning.  “Sokka! How could you pimp out your own sister like that?”

“What? It's not like she hates the guy and he’s actually pretty cool.” At that point their conversation was interrupted off by the sound of bells ringing.

“Whoops,” said Sokka “It's third watch now and I promised Cook I'd taste-test some recipes he's trying out. See ya!”

Aang watched in annoyance as Sokka scurried off. Before he could chase after the other boy, the crewman guy up in the big pole thingy shouted, “Land ho!” Honestly, Aang didn’t know what the proper naval terms were. Then he realized what the sailor had said. Land! He could finally take Appa and fly the rest of the way to the Southern Air Temple!

* * *

“You’re being awfully quiet,” said Katara to Zuko, who gave her a fake-looking smile and a noncommittal shrug. “Don’t worry, I know flying on Appa is kind of scary at first but you get used to it. You really should have come with us before when Aang took us all flying around the ocean.”

“You guys are going to love the temple,” said Aang in excitement. “It’s got the most amazing view and the Airball court is really awesome! I’ll show you how to play. Sokka, you can be on my team! There’s also this big statue of Monk Gyatso and a secret room that no one’s allowed in and, uh, fireworks?”

Aang trailed off in confusion as he saw bright explosions in the sky. “There are people living at the temple?” Then he looked down and saw groups of travelers climbing the winding mountain path. “Look! Pilgrims! People are still visiting the temple even after all this time!”

Zuko hunched further into his seat and moved so that Katara and Sokka were between him and Aang. Everyone riding on Appa gasped as they saw the Southern Air Temple for the first time.

“Look at all the people,” said Katara in wonder. “Look at how colourfully they’re dressed. There must be a festival today. Aang, what Air Nomad festival is today?”

“I don’t know,” said Aang as they came down for a landing. “I didn’t think there was any today. Maybe it’s new or, uh . . .” Aang trailed off as he saw people drunkenly shouting and smashing jugs of wine on the ground. He stared as he saw someone urinating against the wall of one of the temple buildings, then fall forward and pass out in a puddle of his own pee. He goggled at a group of girls dancing on a stage who began flashing their breasts when the crowd threw necklaces at them.

“Guys?” said Sokka as he pointed at a giant banner hanging between two buildings: Welcome to the Party on Top of the World.

Aang got down off Appa and looked at everything in shock. “What happened here?” he asked no one in particular. “Who are these people?”

“Hey, it’s Prince Zuko!” shouted one of the revellers.

“Go Zuko!” shouted another one.

The partygoers started chanting Zuko’s name. The rest of the gang turned to him expectantly.

“Well,” he said, “I may have mentioned to this one brothel owner who was looking for a new location to open a franchise that the Southern Air Temple was completely abandoned.”

“You what!” shouted Aang, who was now floating in midair. “You turned the Southern Air Temple into a brothel!” Light began shooting out of his eyes and mouth.

“You’re cute,” slurred a twentysomething girl with a bottle of wine in her hand. She proceeded to kiss Aang and shove a hand down his pants. The wind died down and Aang’s light show immediately stopped as he and everyone else stared at the girl in surprise.

“Uh,” said Aang to the girl, who still had her hand down his pants and was now pumping it back and forth.

“No talking,” she said as she pumped faster and took a swig from her bottle.

“Uh,” said Aang again as his eyes rolled up into his sockets. His feet were back on the ground again. “Uh, uh, uh . . .”

“Shh,” whispered the girl as she leaned down to lick his ear. At that action, Aang grit his teeth and collapsed on the ground. The girl smiled down at him and wiped her hand off on the front of his shirt. “Bye, cutie,” she said, then walked away.

Aang stared at his friends, who stared back at him. Finally, he got up and climbed back into Appa’s saddle. The rest of the group followed him. No one talked on the ride back to Zuko’s ship. For the rest of their lives, none of the four mentioned the Southern Air Temple ever again.


End file.
